I have chosen not to “video blog” about this subject, I’m not sure why, maybe because sometimes I feel the written word is received in a different way. I believe we RETAIN information from a different space it comes to us in words written or spoken. When I write, I am able to articulate in a way that words spoken can not. Thoughts flow from my heart through my hands and hopefully to you.
I have been observing my life! I have been observing my “behaviors” for years. I have become VERY HONEST with myself and you. I have found the root of my greatest PAIN. I have identified the source and I have begun to heal. When we become aware of our SOURCE of pain we no longer find satisfaction in NUMBING the pain, we are too aware for this trick to work. I seek, I am seeking. I have discovered and I am discovering. All I can do now is OWN and CHANGE. Sitting in our pain, discomfort and behaviors are the way out for us. We must look at ourselves. We must forgive others, we must LOVE!
What I am talking about here is a term often referred to as “Daddy Issues”. I suppose it is very healing for me to tell the world about MY experiences because its so amazing to just BE. It helps others to understand us when we share the SOURCE of why we are who we are and where our passion comes from. I feel okay about sharing my life with the world. WHY NOT?? I don’t mind if others cast their own opinions of me as long as I am in my truth, I have nothing to hide or defend, and perhaps I can shed some light for someone that may be hurting and not know WHY. This is my goal and my purpose.
All of my life there was something missing. This never made sense to anyone outside looking in. To them I had it all, I was an adorable kid, VERY talented, VERY athletic, an Artist, super lovable, tiny “little candy” was my name, sweet, energetic and FUN! I was the best at whatever I did. I found a way in or out of anything put in front of me. I LOVED everyone, my mother often referred to me as her “LOVE CHILD” . I always wanted people to feel comfortable and equal. I was a really “good” kid. The list goes on. . . so WHY didn’t my Daddy love me and later my Step Daddy?
Perfectionist??? Ahhh yes You could say so. Always trying to do GOOD, RIGHT by my parents to compromise for this PAIN, this EMPTINESS that hurt my stomach inside . . . my 3rd Chakra (my own power) it was gone. Why this pain? What was it? Why did I cry myself to sleep at night? Why was I still NOT ENOUGH? Why didn’t MY Dad or my step Dad adore me like my Friends Dad’s adored me? My own Dad was one thing but my Step Dad hated me too? WHAT WAS WRONG WITH ME??
Here is when it all began. I started ACTING OUT!! Not paying attention in school, but instead drawing pictures to heal my soul. I knew how to self sooth through my music, my sports, my never ending activities. But I soon found a new identity for myself “problem child”. Only at home and I will tell you why. . . HOME is where the PAIN lived and only there. It didn’t make sense to me so I would scream, cry out for understanding. WHY WAS I SO INVISIBLE?? HOW ON EARTH COULD MY PARENTS NOT LOVE ME? “talk about driven to distraction”. If you were born into a world that you knew you were really good at but felt LOVELESS wouldn’t your little soul just FREAK OUT?? Well Mine did and it still does. I became insecure, untrusting of others and AFRAID to be me. . . I gave my power away.
When we are not visible to our Fathers. . . the man who is meant to guide us and protect us in this world. . . we grow up with a deep FEAR of survival. We grow up confused, WHAT IS WRONG WITH US? We need validation. We start trying to be perfect and then maybe rebel, we need to make a fuss, to sabotage, to get attention but also to reiterate the BELIEF that we are just not GOOD, not ENOUGH. When people love us we don’t believe it. Its more comfortable to always go after the UNATTAINABLE MAN who will remind us of how we were treated by our father. They will always put something above you. . . WORK, ALCOHOL, ANOTHER WOMAN, MONEY, THAT is what attracts us. Because if we can make the UNATTAINABLE-ATTAINABLE then maybe our Dad’s will see that we are worth it and start loving us too. Maybe we will VALIDATE that we ARE LOVABLE after all.
If I am famous and beautiful and popular and do something NO ONE ELSE CAN DO . . . then I am ENOUGH.
CRAZY isn’t it?? no, its down right TRAGIC! And you know what else it is . . . TOO COMMON.
ALLOWING LOVE. . . . this is what is hard for us to do. We FIGHT IT . . . why? Because if you love me then my story doesn’t make sense and I fall back into a spiral of confusion that I can’t get out of. If you love me then there must be something wrong with me that you don’t see, so I will act out and SHOW you that you should NOT love me . . . my dad saw it and he didn’t love me. So I must sabotage ANY TRUE LOVE I ever find so that my story makes sense. I AM NOT LOVABLE.
HEALING TIME! How about . . . . ITS NOT ABOUT YOU!!! YOUR DAD is hurt and setting you up to continue this TRAGIC pattern. My Mother hurts and chooses the SAME man (hense my Step Father with the same issue) . . . its not MY FAULT, I’m a tiny adorable little girl. How about settling down and seeing how it feels to SIT IN THE FEAR OF BEING LOVED. SEE how UNTRUE THIS LIE YOU HAVE FOREVER BEEN TELLING YOURSELF IS SIMPLY NOT TRUE AND WILL NEVER BE BECAUSE YOU ARE ??? LOVE ???.
When we explore ourselves, allow ourselves to fall in LOVE with ourselves then we start to see the LIGHT of this LIE. But we must be true, honest, clear and OPEN. We must LOVE ourselves no matter who or what agree’s with this. We must COMMIT to ourselves that we will BELIEVE in our GOODNESS. We must be LOYAL to our own HEART and ONE with GOD. We must be DEVOTED to ourselves. . . devoted to LOVING ourselves UNCONDITIONAL. Then we don’t NEED it from another but we desire it to share our own love we have cultivated our of our PURE TRUTH, pure awakening to the CORE of what LOVE really is. . .
We become our own Mother and Father and we TAKE CARE of OURSELVES!!
this is a PATH less traveled but a conscious journey of a DISCIPLE to GOD and SELF.
I bow to you and me and WE
~Namaste~
Candace
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